If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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