I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
