he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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