Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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