I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
