i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
