: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Randomize
