I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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