well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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