my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
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