My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Randomize
