Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
