im drinking this country out of the recession.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
