What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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