She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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