Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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