This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
