So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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