I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
