Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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