he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
