I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Randomize
