I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
