The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
