i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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