hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Randomize
