Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Randomize
