then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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