He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
My cat gives me a boner
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
