my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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