Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Randomize
