get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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