I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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