She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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