You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
