I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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