Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
