i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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