Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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