and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
You can't just leave with hair like that
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
