low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
