i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
