i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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