My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
