i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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