I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Randomize
