she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I'd cum for enchiladas.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize