So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
