Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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