Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
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