"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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